One month ago, tomorrow, my father passed way after battling cancer for five years. We had been estranged for ten years until he was given four months to live. That was five weeks before he died. The myriad of emotions I felt that day is still something I’m grappling with, but somehow, I shifted from saying, “No, I’m not going to see him,” to, “yes, let’s FaceTime today and I will drive down tomorrow” practically overnight. All of which, I’m grateful for. It forced a total 180 in me that needed to happen.
At the same time as Dad dying, I received a publishing contract and began the process. The blend of highs and lows was too much. I can usually manage my life, but this was more than I could handle so I reached out to a therapist for help. This has been the most life changing experience I’ve ever had. Attending weekly meetings has allowed me find an inner peace I haven’t felt in over ten years. I hadn’t realized how angry I was because it had consumed me. Being estranged from my father had affected everything in my life, including my writing. As much as I tried to be positive, there was always some anger hiding in the background.
But now that he is gone and I was able to reconcile with him before his passing, there is this weight off my shoulders I honestly had no idea was there. I feel lighter. I feel more positive. I feel like I am unstoppable and capable of achieving my dreams. I am putting more good into the world that I already was. I am taking better care of me.
I’m an empath. I feel deeply for all. I spend most of time, as a teacher, during the day caring for teenagers. At night, I’m caring for my family. Now, I can start to care for myself and I’m so grateful.
Writing has always been there for me, but now I feel as though I can create again. It’s been some time since I could think of new ideas. There was something blocking that for me. Sure I’ve been writing consistently for the past twenty years, but it’s always felt like I was pushing aside a screen for momentary glimpses into my imagination. Then the anger would pull the screen closed. Now, I feel different. I feel like something is happening inside of me that is unleashing that suppressed imagination.
I’m going to embrace this as a new chapter in my life. The anger is leaving and I want to feel peace. Look out because I know I am unstoppable.
Jamie Handling 